Wait Until you have your own kids!

Did you ever get that quote from your parents when you were a child "wait until you have your own kids"? Yep I did plenty of times and I always just shrugged it off with a "yeah what ever" Ummm maybe I should of listened all those years ago, and stopped being so stubborn and independent....


2 children later and I am kicking myself for not listening to all those hard lessons in life that my dad was trying to teach me!!  Because now it is coming back to bite me in the arse 10 fold.


Raising a 12 year and a 5 year is going to send me to an early grave I swear. 2 very stubborn independent defiant brats that push my buttons that I think my buttons are nearly broken... so does that mean I can go on a holiday ?? lol


I remember I was such a bitch of a kid and I found out with my boys the sex because I was adamant that I wasn't having a mini ME walking this earth... If it was a girl I was sending it back to the cabbage patch.. something tells me that maybe I would of been better off with a girl in there someone.... she for sure would of been the biggest tom boy on the planet. I don't do dresses, hair or make up and god help me trying to tell her about periods and puberty.... 


My boys are hard work and I swear its the universe punishing me from being the way I was as a teenager! Every day is a exhausting, every day its a battle of stubborn mum V's stubborn children, a 12 year old who thinks he is 18 and a 5 year old who wants to be 12 plus some..


A mother who wanted to parent her children different to the way that I was V's reality of what parenting actually is and how bloody hard it is.... 


A mother who was raised in a single parent upbringing by her dad V's a single mum living in a (don't know what you would call it) both parents under the same roof but not together household...*that's another story for another day).


I'm tired of fighting with them all the time, I'm tired of repeating myself a million times a day, I'm tired of hearing my own voice, I'm tired of the same day repeating itself over and over again. I'm tired of doing it on my own and not having the support that I need. Why did parenting not come with a manual? More to the point why didn't parenting come with a remote control so you can just pause "mum" life for a moment...... skip the hard bits, play the happy fun loving times and rewind when you make a mistake and go back and fix it!!


Don't get me wrong I love my boys to the moon and back, but sometimes I wonder if I was cut out to be a mum. I don't have the patience, I like peace and quite, I like a tidy house, I like my independence and I love having my bed to myself. and those of you that are mums know that none of the above rarely happen when you have children..


I wish that tomorrow I can just wake up knowing that the kids are going to wake up in awesome moods, that I am not going to have to tip that cold glass of water over my eldest head (jokes) to wake him up, and that my youngest isnt going to have a melt down because he has to go to school.


But in reality like every day, my day starts with me waking up half an hour before them to get their stuff ready for school, making their breakfast, going in and shaking the beds like a earth quake is hitting the house to wake them and getting ready for world war 1 million....


Someone tell me I am not the only one???


N x         










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Forever 35

Do you fear the thought of dying? Have you even thought about it? How will the kids be?


The thought of death had never worried me until yesterday, the not being here for my children and watching them grow up and seeing what direction they take in their lives.


I understand people die all the time, but when it is someone that you grew up with and someone that is your age with a young family it really hits home. My head was a fireball of questions yesterday and I definitely went through every emotions possible.


I was sad and hurt that my best friend from childhood had passed away leaving behind 3 young children and a husband. I was angry that the universe had taken someone with the biggest heart and a smile that would light a room up when you walked into it.


My heart aches for your 2 boys and lil girl who can't tell you that they love you and cuddle you and share those precious moments with you that we all take for granted. 


Your husband who has lost his soul mate, and life companion... 


For your mum and dad having to bury their child. Ohh Di and Tony the lump in my throat, and the sick feeling I get in my stomach... I am sending you all hugs through the universe.  


We had only spoken not long ago about our families catching up, and man I wish we had organised it, just to reminisce about the good old days of us, hanging out , and singing songs, and playing together and being inseparable and trying to stay awake as long as we could, and the fun ute rides that we use to have with dad taking us around on his water run.


My children saw me vulnerable yesterday, but gave me the love that I needed. I am pretty sure by the end of the day they were sick of me telling them how much I loved them and giving them kisses and hugs, but I just needed to reassure them that I do love them.... because you never know what could happen tomorrow. I am not ready to leave them, I have so much more protecting to do, and so much more I want to experience with them, and so much more that I want to teach them...


Life is precious and life is a gift that we all take for granted and can change in heart beat.... But for you Mish you will be forever 35 and for ever missed. You will never be forgotten and your memory will live on in your 3 beautiful children, who will do you proud and I know that you will be watching and protecting from above.  


You have made me want to be the best that I can..... The love that you had for your family and friends has inspired me to want to be a better person, to my friends and my family and especially my boys!! The happiness that shone through on your posts and photos was contagious....  


Heaven has received another beautiful angel to watch over us. 


      


  

We all start from somewhere

We all have to start somewhere!!


Its no secret that I have struggled with my weight my whole entire life, those close to me know that... I have tried so many different exercise routines, weight loss programs, shakes, pills.... My weight has gone up and down and up and down and round and round.


Its no secret that posting these pictures have made me want to punch the wall a hundred times and I don't know how many times I have told myself your an idiot ness for letting yourself get to this point AGAIN!!!! when I took these pictures I weighed myself. I am the heaviest I have been since I had my first child 12 year ago! I cried, and I dwelled and I ate a few more blocks of chocolates because really what's another block of white chocolate!

But I decided that while I am recre8thing myself I am not going to worry about the scales Its just a fucking number.. And as long as I feel healthy and I am happy with my progress then that is all that matters.

I did take my measurements though and I will do them on a monthly basis!
My starting measurements are: Drum Roll ................

arms: 39.5 cm

Chest : 128cm
Waist: 130cm

Legs: 71cms

Hips: 129

 

I am my own worst enemy and I battle with myself everyday. Emotionally and Mentally!! I have struggled mentally in the past, and its a rollercoaster ride! I have always found that exercise has helped with my mental state. I am a single mother who has two beautiful crazy boys aged 12 and 5... Besides doing this for myself I need to do this for them because they are very active boys and at present I find it difficult to even kick the football with them let alone chase after them on the football field.

None of my clothes fit me anymore, and everyday I pull everything out of my cupboard and put it on my bed and go through the piles of clothes that once fitted me, and go oh I will put that on.. Ohhh derr that's right you cant even get that top over your boobs..... But i know one day sooner rather than later it will go over my boobs and I will be able to tell myself that I have accomplished this on my own. Onwards and Upwards Right??? '

I know that there are going to be days when I just want to devour that block of white chocolate and drink my chocolate milkshake!! But I have just have to be head strong and remind myself what my end goal is!!!  

Ohhh what is my end goal??? I think this will keep changing as i progress through this process. But i think right now for me is to not take on too much all at once and focus on making healthier eating choices and getting myself in the garage at least 3 times a week to exercise even if its only for 30 minutes!! Its better than nothing!! I will give those 30 minutes my 150%.

Im really putting myself out there with these photos but I need to remind myself everyday where am i coming from.. and where am I wanting to go!!! 

I can do this.... And I hope you can follow and support my journey and be there with me through all the ups and downs that come with it!!   

Ness xx      

Workout at home

I bit the bullet and did my first session at home tonight in the garage... bloody hell it was a killer and I felt every part of it but man I feel good now...

I did 3x running to the end of my drive way and back
3x 20 squats

3x running to the end of my drive way and back
3x push ups on the bar
3x 10 each arm single arm kettle bell swings

3x run to the end of the drive way and back
3x 10 overhead press
3x triceps arm extension with a band

3x run to end of drive way and back
3 x 20 leg ski (can't think of what they are called )

My plan is to slowly work my way back into doing at least 5 times a week but until then I gunna do every second day to build myself up...

I'm saving my pennies to buy some little things for the garage..... but I am happy to work with the kettle bell and bar bell and body weight exercises to get me through

Happy days
Xxx

Consumed

You know when life just consumes you? You have all good intentions to do this and to do that??? Yep that me!!!!

I feel like I could write for days because my head is consumed with an over whelming amount of crap... but then I go to put fingers to keypad and it's all just a blur and nothing makes sense in my head!! And if it doesn't make sense in my head,  it's not going to make sense here, and then I will just ramble about nothing in-particular like what I am doing now.! LOL...

I got asked a question the other day "what do you want in life?" Yeah seems pretty easy to answer hey.????

who doesn't want the big house , fast cars and endless supply of cash!!! Ohhhh and a toy boy!!!!  In all seriousness this question has made me really stop and think!! I have never really opened my mind and thought to myself besides the above what I really want out of life!!! Is it to find happiness, to be content with myself, to appreciate what I have in life, look at life more simply, not to worry about things so much!!' All these thoughts have crossed my mind plus more.. the older I become, this question really makes you dig deep to find the answers of what you really want in life... my list is very minimal at present because I really want to reflect and listen to my heart and head.
Ask me when I was teenager and I would of been like, money,  cars, partying and traveling the world,   Plus more partying and having fun!!!!! Priorities have changed 2. Children's  later and I now have to think for 3 not just one!!! It's a challenge and one I am willing to do to help get myself back on track.

Process

I have blogged and I have stopped and I have started and stopped and now I am starting again!!
I have one of those personalities where if i can't give it my all then i don't continue doing it. But after some careful consideration I realised that writing was one way I could release my thoughts without having to talk!

I am not sure that I have a theme for this blog, I am just going to take it one post at a time.

I struggle day to day with life like I am sure a lot of us do, and one thing that I have noticed is that we are never alone even though 99% of the time we feel alone.

I am a single mother, a daughter, sister, a friend, and currently have started working full time for the first time in 5 years. I had a small business which I have just sold, and have lots of change going on in my life.    

I am trying to process my life and recreate myself and find who I am again, in this world!! A lot of changes have occurred in a space of 12 months which i will share over time.

In the meantime introduce yourself to me as i would love to hear about your journeys and life experience and create some blogger friends.

Ness x